There's always a before

Next time Ill stick to writing about farm chores, but in the meantime here's to a little philospohy and a peek into life in my head. 

Any given moment has a before and an after. The before is always described with words like anticipation, ignorance, excitement, expectations and unaware to name a few. The after is then associated with descriptions like proud, upset, thrilled, angry or perhaps more specific terms like letdown, accomplishment, disbelief or proud. For every moment the before and after are significant parts of a process, usually a learning one, and of course always one that defines and shapes us for who we are.

Right now I’m in the before. Before a phone call actually. One that is particularly odd in that it’s a phone call that is exciting and promising, I’d even go as far as to say thrilling for me, yet just an everyday business type of call for the person on the other line. What’s stranger still is how I play out all the "after" scenarios and fill my head with many outcomes of how this call might play out and what can come of it afterwards (both good and bland -luckily no bad possibilities here, its like extra credit I suppose). 

There are other before's such as “before pictures."  In this before photo of my dining room its all about the vision, what can I make this place become and what do I want it to look like? I love the fact that the house is over eighty years old, because then I get to ask the other questions like what was it like before this? What were some of the conversations here seventy years ago? Who has sat here around a table, and what dinners were had or what stories were shared around a game of cards some fifty odd years ago?   But with out a before, there is nothing to compare too, nothing to measure progress and advancement.  However with the before above, I can compare my restoration project and see how far along it came. 

There is a dichotomy presented with the existence of a before, meaning with it, comes an after. In the case of the dining room remodel, the after is easy. You can clearly see the after in the photo above. 

Another example of a clear before and after is, well, like with the lambs. The before, where a few lambs were in the barn for a last night, thriving, existing, eating and sleeping. The after, a bit more grim I suppose, is the part of farming I’m still becoming accustomed too. Where after is a trip home from the butcher, no longer lambs in the back of the truck like earlier that morning, but instead the promise of food for a table and for familes to gather.   A before with life, and an after without. The before will always stand out to me, truck lights across the paddock at 6am loading up the lambs; and then backing the truck up to the curved white plywood wall, where thousands of animals have been unloaded previous to us arriving.  All necessary moments and a necessary part of life, yet still before moments that leave me feeling awkward. At this point anyway.  Its been an interesting week for me, being responsible for the end of the same lambs I was responsible for starting.

I think of remodels with the before and afters, I think of all the ideas and concepts and situations I play out in my head during the befores and anticipation and then of course the after where I compare notes to see what worked and what didn’t. Even still, what about the before moments where we are blindsided?  You weren’t expecting the moment, but for some reason we still remember exactly where we were, or what we were doing just before it occurred; the recent anniversary of September 11th is the example that comes to mind.  Moments are so important and so influential to us as humans, we must create a before and after to bookmark the particular moment, in an effort to monumentalize the significance of it.

I processed all this thinking, and I realized (again) I thrive more on the before compared to the after. I like (and hate at the same time) the unknown. I can make it, define it or create it as big as I want it to be. With a before there isn't a right answer.  It’s the before, before there is definition of what it actually becomes, that makes me feel responsible for what comes next. This explains why most of the time I’m onto the next project before I even finish the current one. What's so great about a completed project, I’m always thinking of the next thing I can do, build, create, or become.

Student, Landscaper, Teacher, Builder, Renovator, Farmer. It’s easy to reflect back and see what I have already become, ‘cause it’s the after people- get it? But it is so much more exciting to anticipate what’s next and what I want to evolve into!

Not all before’s are great; some moments lead to a let down. But the funny thing is, it’s all about perspective. Because rather than look at it as a before that led to a letdown, just look at it as a moment that never existed at all. A moment yet to occur if you will. Leaving us to forget about disappointment, avoiding discouragement and move on. Because with every after, there is soon to be another before.  

It is better to believe than to disbelieve; in doing so you bring everything into the realm of possibility. - Einstein